While I usually make this blog an upbeat place, I just cannot today. We’ve been hit with a blow, and the past two weeks have been heavy. Try as I may to put my head down and push on through, today seems to be a day of letting all the emotion that has overtaken me the past two weeks flow their way out of me whenever they surface. While I cannot go into details here, all I can say is that my little family has been dealt a big blow and we are still dealing with the aftershocks. While we are hopeful, we are putting our trust in God for His protection and will for our lives. But me, well, I sit here this morning allowing the waves of sorrow and heartbreak to wash over me. It’s been pinned up inside and I can’t hold it in any longer.
I’ve been afraid to allow myself this. What if I cannot stop the tears? What if I can’t pull myself back together? Well, I can, it’s just that there is a fear/vulnerability about allowing myself this time, this “ugly cry”. I know I need to allow myself this because I know… if I don’t sit with the pain, I’ll just find a way to numb the pain.
The thing about numbing the pain is, you can’t selectively numb only the “bad” emotions (wouldn’t it be nice if we could). By trying to push that pain and heartbreak away, I end up numbing the opposite, the “good” as well. I have to be willing to be vulnerable, feel the grief, fear and disappointment so I can also feel the joy, gratitude and happiness in my life.
So here I am, letting myself be seen, deeply seen… vulnerably seen so that I can once again embrace life with my whole heart… even when there’s no guarantees because I want to find gratitude and joy in the moments of my life again because it’s there and it’s mine for the taking. But I will allow myself this time and not push it away, because I’m worthy of it, because I need it, because I want to move on and live wholeheartedly again. For more on this… check out Brene Brown’s work.
Something I came across this morning…
“Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.” ~ R.M. Rilke
And I came across this last night…
“I’m beginning to realize that there’s a beauty that comes out of the struggle that could never be had otherwise.” ~Karen Russell
Perhaps there is something for me here. Deep down, I know there is, it’s just moving through the struggle and hurt to arrive at this place. That’s where I am today… anticipating and waiting to see that dragons are really just princesses and see the beauty coming out of the struggle. I’m just here… waiting with anticipation… it’s going to be ok… it’s going to get better… it’s right before me… in fact, I think I see it… yep… there it is… there comes the sun.