I had been battling a headache all night long coming in and out of consciousness. Ol’ Blue Eyes sits straight up in bed (which he never does) and says “It’s 7:30!” he then jumps out of bed and races to our punks bedrooms to waken them. In my headache haze I hear our youngest having a melt down so like a good mom, I walk the opposite way and head to the kitchen to pack lunches. Our oldest takes a bowl of cereal in the car to eat on the way and as they back away a neighbor calls to see if we can spare a ride to school with our youngest. We all pile in the car, I drop them off at school and come home, head still pounding.
I just sit in my studio, staring blankly. Ol’ Blue Eyes walks in the door and it occurs to me that all of that rush and success of getting everyone where they needed to go happened without a word between us. He comes to me, gives me a kiss, and finally says “Well good morning!” I tell him, “Only twenty years of marriage could’ve done that without a word and I’m glad I’m doing this thing, this life with you, now will you make me some scrambled eggs so I can take some medicine?”
He makes me coffee and brings it to me while he scrambles the eggs and dices up some ham to throw in. I hear it sizzle and soon he brings me a plate of ham and eggs steaming. I look at them and it occurs to me how thankful I am in this moment of headache haze and pain that he made me eggs. There once was a time that I resented that the ONLY thing he could make was scrambled eggs, but today it blesses me and I begin to think deeply about how our lives have changed through the years. In our twenties, we fought passionately and made up passionately. Then small punks came along and were so consuming and we’d fall into bed and fall into each other in exhaustion. In the midst of that my other punk (stepson) came to live with us for his “joyous” teen years and to say that wasn’t a stress… truthfully I’d be struck by lightning if I were to deny the stress that a blended family can bring and how time consuming it was. Now it seems we are finding more and more time just for us again and this love, this history, this knowing has all grown so much deeper and richer. He brings me medicine and I swallow them down and he kisses me again. Sweet love, sweet place.
I run a bath and soak he comes in to check on me and I tell him that I’ve had a revelation and that I wonder how many times I’ve fought against his affection and what he was able to give at the time and in that process, missed the blessing he offered me… like the scrambled eggs. He smiles. He knows we’ve both been guilty this. So I ask, why do we do this? Why do we fight when there’s nothing to fight? Why do we expect so much and then feel the let down. Why do I demand a fully cooked dinner and not be grateful for the scrambled eggs? I want to stop this “going against the flow” and accept what others have to offer, even if I long for more, I want to be grateful for what they CAN give. I want to be “in the flow” with others and life because only there can I really live a full and grateful life. Only there can I relish in the blessing of something as simple as scrambled eggs, and that my friends… that’s what twenty years of marriage has taught me. And love notes like this… what a gift, what a treasure.
And for the record, I adore you too James… and your big blue eyes!